Thoughts Before Graduation

In less than 24 hours I'm going to graduate from high school...

It's such a big and exciting step... yet I can't help but feel some anxiety. It hit me a couple hours ago that this is going to be it. This is the last chapter of my high school years, the last page. With the closing of this final chapter, I can't really see any reason to look back in the past. I feel like I've got nothing to look back on, nothing worthwhile. That isn't completely true though. The friends I've made this year have brought me comfort. Alex, Elderen, Chris, and Josh have all been supportive friends even though they have yet to experience the things I've gone through. When I've felt abandoned or bored, they're always there to cheer me up. They're good guys.

I can't help but feel like I don't belong anywhere among my friends these days. I don't attach myself to any certain groups because I feel alienated in both. There are only a handful of individuals I feel comfortable with and am going to sincerely miss after I leave for UVA. It's still bothering me how little I've achieved in high school. Prom was a let down, although I had fun, many things from that night went on to bother me.

But despite all these disappointments, things are picking up. Senior year has been a rollercoaster to me, going up and down but it is definately going up at the moment. I've made new friends and inspirations. The other day I saw "Up" by Pixar. It was an excellent film that really had an uplifting message about relationships. That every relationship a person has with another is important and special, they shouldn't be taken for granted. The ability for Up to convey so many emotions on the audience also impresses me. I want to be able to make a film like that someday, something as meaningful as it is cute and funny.

I made a list of summer goals that I plan to fulfill by the time I leave for college. I'm confused at the moment on where I'm going with this summer. It's got a time limit that I feel is restricting me. I honestly hope this next year in college, I will be able to start anew, and find myself in a position where I will be sincerely happy. For the moment, however, graduation will just have to be a new beginning for me.

I'm Inconsistant

I'm not sure why I can't maintain a consistent presence in this blog. I think it's because I get so busy that I always forget to check in every once in a while. It's already been a month since my last post... and its weird. I don't remember the month passing so quickly...

June is my final month in high school. This is the last month where I am still a dumb high school kid. It's weird and its a little scary. Looking back, I really feel like I haven't achieved much in high school. Nothing remarkable, astounding. I've just been a good kid, doing my work... just drifting. I was never the funny kid or person that was really that fun to hang out with. I always try my best to do whatever for my friends, but in the end that's really gotten me nowhere. I try to be the nice guy, but even as a nice guy, where has that gotten me? I've made friends but up to this point, I don't believe I mean much to any of them. There are many people who are gonna miss their friends when they're going to college and I know I'm probably gonna miss some people.
But at the moment, I really can't think of anyone I'm going to miss as I leave.

I'm not trying to sound bitter because in all honesty, it scares me. It scares me to think that as I leave high school I won't miss anyone. All the friendships I made in high school I feel as though they've dissolved and drifted away. Freshman year I would hang out with Bobby and Alex. Sophmore year: Stephen, Seung Soo, and Woonkill. Junior year, Sean, Jason, Andria, and Sonny. Senior Year: ???

Heh, this post may be one of my most depressing but it's gotten me to think about which people have really mattered in my life.

Last week I got to hang out with Bobby. We've been friends since 3rd grade, and I hadn't talked to him all of Junior or Senior year in high school. I'm not sure what happened... we went into different cliques and just stopped communicating. So many things have changed since sophmore year. People were getting old, things were moved around. But during those moments hanging with Bobby, to me it was like rewinding and reliving some of the fondest moments of my childhood. He was like a brother to me as I grew up. I was really happy to be hanging out with him again. We didn't really do anything but just shoot hoops and talk. It was the most relaxed I felt all year. This year I feel disillusioned because I honestly don't know who my real friends are. But after being able to catch up with a person that's shared my most fun moments with, it's something that I want to recapture.

I'm meeting up with Bobby again next week and we're planning to make a action comedy film.

I'm really looking forward to it.